On Wednesday March 31st I am having surgery. I will not disclose what kind of surgery because that is not what I want to focus on. What I do want to focus on is the surgery itself, or more to the point, fear.
I'm afraid of needles. I don't like hospitals. Not too far out there, right? So now that this surgery has come up in my life, it presents what my mom calls a "double-whammy." It has both fears in one. Not to mention my weak stomach and my reaction to blood. Well, I'll be "put under" so that won't be a problem. Therefore I think it's just the needle idea that has me freakin' out so bad. I have to have an IV shortly after I arrive and it will be there still when I wake up...for an hour, maybe longer. This surgery is not necessary, I'm electing to have it, but then in a way it is necessary. I'm sure you're curious, reader, but I am just not comfortable declaring this personal matter to any random person who could be reading this. But then that's why I like online journals. Giving others insight into an ordinary life of a 25 year old Midwest American girl, while sometimes receiving interesting feedback about what I discuss. And then there's the chance that no one at all will read this because there's so many other things we could be doing than reading a journal by some random girl. I confess that's what I count on and why I disclose as much as I do. Except on this.
I know I'm being vague and if it were me reading this I'd be going crazy trying to put this in context. I just needed to put this out there in the vast galaxy of cyberspace with the hope that once I press the "publish post" button it will go forth and no longer be a part of me. Silly, huh? Well that's me - the fanciful dreamer. Perhaps that's part of the problem. I live in such a wonderful world, albeit a sheltered one. I'm 25 and I still believe that goodness will triumph and love conquers all. My reality is confined to the beautifully decorated walls of my bedroom, the gentleness of the countryside, the closet-like store in a mall, and the halls of a large university. Then throw in the sandy country roads that connect me to all these places and that's my life. And I'm not complaining but I fear it has upheld my fairytale world. I am very familiar with hospitals, but only in visiting people. I myself have never been a patient. Sports physicals, regular check-ups, that's it. Now I'm terrified. I could easily opt not to have the surgery and while I know I'll feel relief, I know I'll also feel disappointment. This is something I've wanted done since early high school, but it has always been out of reach nearly to the point of being a pipe dream. Now that it's possible...it just seems so unreal. I'm excited, yes...but I think my fear trumps that.
The truth of the matter is that it's an out-patient procedure. It'll all be over with (mostly) in one day - I do have to go back in a week to get the stitches out. So one day of ickyness and the rest of my life with contentment. Of course there's no debate! Yet my fear is holding me back. I'm having trouble sleeping at night because one day passed is another day closer. I cry into my pillow. My appetite is off because I get nauseous when I think about it. I can't focus on school very well as this is occupying much of my mind's thinking. Ha, even my cycle was late this month due to the stress. I've been praying a lot, but then I stop myself because I hate praying for things I want - it just feels so selfish. When I was near my college graduation I used to pray for guidance and wisdom like King Solomon. Now I pray for strength and courage; not bad things to pray for, but I thought I already had these. I've faced a lot of tough changes in my life and realizing I'm not as strong as I thought makes me disappointed in myself. I have to get over these fears. Needing medical attention from time to time is a part of life. I'm just so scared. Mom says it's normal, everybody feels this way. Well how does everybody get through it? I'm going in this blind, with no experience. I hate this. I'm a planner. I like to be prepared. I don't like surprises and I'm not very spontaneous. How do I overcome this?
I close my eyes and see two doors. One is exit - opt out and leave this scary thing behind. The other is entrance - entrance to a much more comfortable way of life. However let's say the knob of the entrance door is hot and I know I will burn my hand opening it. While I know my hand will heal, I can't help wondering if it's worth getting burned.
