Tonight I watched the film, "I Capture the Castle." It was the second time I saw it and it's been many years since my first viewing. It's strange how this film has affected me now, years later.
I had first been exposed to "I Capture the Castle" in 7th or 8th grade when it was gifted to me in its original format - text. It was a beautiful, and very thick, book. The title dazzled me as I used to love stories of medieval life - castles, damsels, adventure, and of course, romance. My expectations for the book were high and as I tackled each chapter I became disappointed. It was more a coming-of-age type of story about a girl in England. The story certainly didn't capture me. However, despite my disappointment I finished it and then put it aside. Years later I discovered it was adapted to the silver screen. So I gave it a second chance to capture my interest. Fail. I hated it. Where I had once been only slightly annoyed by the characters, I then found myself hating them. I confess this may partly be because I couldn't identify with the main character. After watching the movie I felt more distant from her than ever, despite the fact that we shared a common passion for journaling and a mutual disappointment in our fathers. I wanted a better ending dammit. Some kind of promising resolution.
But tonight I realized the ending is promising. On this second viewing I find my original view very much...displaced. Misguided even. At age 13, five years younger than the main character, I couldn't relate; couldn't understand her reasoning. Now, at age 25, seven years older than her eternal eighteen, I look back on my entry into adulthood and find quite a few parallels. And not merely that, but I understand her now. She wasn't illogical or a masochist. She was courageous and strong. She didn't settle. She loved, and though he offered her marriage, she knew she wasn't loved in return...and she rejected him. That kind of amazes me. I have loved and lost and have recently found love again. If her character felt for him anything close to what I felt and do feel...then damn. Of course, I wouldn't consciously choose to be in a relationship where love was one sided...but I did. From 2001 to 2006 I loved someone desperately. A high school crush that graduated to college with me. And when the words I longed to hear eventually came to pass I accepted them without hesitation, without question. Without checking my sources to be sure they were scholarly and credible, as they say in grad school. If only I could have done what she did and not have settled. Sure he spoke of love and even marriage, but it all happened so fast, and I ran with it - not stopping for a moment to look down. Then I stumbled. I fell so hard that I thought I would never rise again.
I hate that expression - hindsight is twenty-twenty. Yeah, what of it? I just want to slap someone when I hear that. But gosh, that girl in the story had it right. And the ending is actually pretty great. She waits. She waits for love and deals with her heartache. When my heart was broken I swore off love. I hit the lowest point ever in my life and I never wanted to experience that again. But it crept up on me this past fall. Very unexpectedly. I mean, heck, I was dating someone else at the time...I was not looking for anyone else...I was content. I like contentment. And routines. I like knowing what's coming and what to expect. But when I sat next to him, watched the fire reflected in his eyes, listen to the soft timbre of his voice, I suspected something was going to happen and believe you me I fought like hell against it. Still, I was curious. Curious to see if he felt it too. Unlike the movie's hero - if you can call that ninny a hero - mine did feel it. It's amazing. Not only did my heart heal itself but I find that I don't care so much anymore about the past. Like the girl in the story, we're both looking to the future knowing something wonderful is coming with the dawn. Now I don't know if I'm still walking while looking up - not watching for cracks in the pavement - but I don't really care. I'm young and I'm alive.
At the end of the movie, she is near completion of her journal. The last page. Now if you keep a journal you know how important the last page is. For me it's more important that the first page or the inside of the covers. The last page is the last thing to be said. The last impression to leave on your reader (if you decide there will be readers - all my journals are written to be read). On her last page she write words that all have one syllable.
........I love. I have loved. I will love.
Amazing how much meaning can be expressed using one-syllable words; how some of the most beautiful words in our language have only one beat.
